Hello again, it’s Ernie Flanders. When I last talked to you I challenged all my loyal supporters to take a poll that would allow my campaign to show America the true levels of my support. A self conducted poll was necessary because the pollsters are simply not polling enough Americans who like me, resulting in poor polling numbers.
I knew the pollsters were wrong and so did my daughters, wife and neighbors because they all said they would vote for me. The results of this poll will hopefully prove to the nation that I am the most obvious choice to be the next President of the United States. Let's dive into the poll results!
Ernie Beats Trump and Biden
Since the beginning of my campaign, the media and pollsters have heavily criticized my candidacy. The heavy bias against me can no longer be tolerated and should cease since my polling has shown that I am a much more popular candidate amongst people who like me.
The results of my poll are clear, sixty-six percent of American citizens would vote for me while a tiny fourteen percent would vote for Joe Biden and Donald Trump. The numbers are undeniable that America wants me as their next President.
Conducting this poll myself has truly yielded honest results. Past polls, conducted by people who do not like me at all, showed me polling at or below 1 percent amongst American voters. This is simply not true. Why would I take their word at my popularity levels, when I can just measure it myself. I skimmed a couple articles online about polling then made a poll in Google. It’s common sense pollsters! Poll more people who will vote for me!
Ernie’s Key Issues Are the Most Important in 2020!
This should come at no surprise but the issues that I am advocating are the most important amongst American citizens. Of course this would happen, since I am the perfect candidate who also has the most perfect plan for America. My survey findings support that the primary issues in my policy platform are at the forefront of American concern. This includes the issues of healthcare, climate change, and the economy. In that poll,
Americans have clearly accepted my plan for healthcare and science innovation which promotes pseudoscience. It is unclear to me why anyone would accept science over pseudoscience because everyone knows that longer words mean that something is better. When I tell someone I believe in science, their faces are unmoved. However, when I tell a person that I believe and practice pseudoscience their face changes to amazement.
Americans have been prevented by mainstream society from utilizing homeopathic crystals to cure diseases, and have not been granted affordable access to vitamin C supplements. This will end when I enter the White House.
Americans Are Angry!
America, you are angry. The findings in my self conducted poll confirm that you are angry, even angrier than me! Out of the 30 Americans who were polled for my flawless survey, all of them identified at an anger level of ten. Why are you angry America? It's because I am not already your President. You are angry because not all Americans have access to affordable forklift operating licenses.
Anger is not healthy at all for people according to some government studies. Angry people are more likely to develop health problems which ultimately diminish quality of life. As your President I promise that everyone will be happy. My poll also found that more than 75% of Americans did not believe taxes should exist. I completely agree with this sentiment as no taxes will increase happiness.
This will be accomplished by providing all Americans with Healthcare, endangered species as pets, free education, and NO MORE TAXES! All of these factors will make me the best President in the nation's history.
Ernie for America
The polling results have reignited my passion for the American people. After constant attacks from my opponents and the media, I am confident that we will win this election. America has spoken. The final question in my poll asked respondents if they believed Joe Biden and Donald Trump should drop out of the 2020 election entirely. The astounding results paint a clear answer. Out of all answers, 70% of respondents said that both of my opponents should drop out of the upcoming election.
This message goes to Joe and Donald. America is tired of you, and is ready for Ernie. Drop out now of face humiliation on November 3rd, 2020. The time of Ernie is now!
.png)
Comments